Allergies: Part I – The Blood Test

I went through extensive allergy testing a couple months ago. The results were not good. The wife was tired of me complaining about not being able to breathe. She was done hearing me snore like a gorilla with bananas in his nose. I was sick - a lot - and we knew it was all related to allergies. I’ve always had allergies. I just never bothered to do much about them. But it was pretty clear they were becoming a big problem. You should see me trying to open the car door in the spring WITHOUT TOUCHING IT. 

The blood test for food allergies was easy. Just a few tubes (6) need to be drawn. A few days later the results come in. As it turns out there are a few foods I need to avoid; cauliflower, catfish, black pepper, almonds, cashews, casein (dairy protein), chicken, clams, cheese, ginger, mushrooms (cheese and mushrooms are a mold issue which I will get to later), strawberry, pinto beans and onions. These all had to be stripped from my diet post-haste. OK, who cares about cauliflower or catfish - that’s easy. But chicken, pepper, cheese, milk and onions are staples. That’s half of my burrito!

Upon delivery of this news I was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. But %#&! that. So, I took it on the chin and we set out on a new diet to minimize intake of these foods. @%#&! fine with me. But as it turns out, moderation isn’t much of a diet. The upcoming skin test for environmental allergies wasn’t going to make matters any better.

 Allergies: Part II – The Skin Test

You sit in a dentist type chair and the nice lady says, “Are you OK with needles? We have a few shots for you today.” “Ya, I’m fine with’em” I say. After swabbing my arm with a green-scrubby she begins with the needles. They are not pokes, pricks or scratches. These are full on shot injections, but it’s all good with me. We chat, she’s nice and it’s a pleasant enough distraction. After a half-hour and about fifty injections, the needles do become a little irritating. Very similar to getting a tattoo. This is when I find out there are 100 left to go over the next hour. Nice. &%$#@ awesome. Afterwards, both arms have red bumps - a 150 of them - in neat rows.

The next day, a couple of the shots itched real badly. They swelled up and shined like tomatoes. Not good. A few others were mildly irritated. Here is where we get into the explanation and a wicked serious consultation, (caution: fancy words ahead). As it turns out I am allergic to the entire environment. I truly wish that were an exaggeration. The list of mild and moderate allergens is too long to bother with in this space. Plus, most have real science-like names that will make me sound much smarter than I really am.

Let’s focus on the real deal. The allergens scoring “severe” are household dust, dust mites, candida (yeast), alernaria (aka mold), ragweed, maple and fescue. Oak and birch scored “extremely severe.” Here are the nuts and bolts. If I; clean the house, spend the weekend outside, mow the lawn or pick up the autumn leaves, I get sick with what looks a lot like the flu. My immune system just can’t take it. Now, before you start thinking this is a great excuse to play Xbox all day and tell the wife to do all the friggin’ chores - consider the following. I’m not an asshole. Now I have to pay someone to clean the house and maintain the yard. But you are right, house cleaning and yard work are not hard to avoid. At least not as difficult as say, onions or black pepper when eating out. Fear not friendly reader, (I can’t believe you read this far, you must know me!) there is more and it’s called cross-reactivity, (I told you big words were coming.)

Allergies: Part III – Cross Reactivity

I’m deathly allergic to birch, oak, ragweed, and yeast. Enter Cross-reactivity - where the immune system mistakes similar proteins and other sciency stuff for allergens. Here is how I’m retarded; my body can’t distinguish between pollen and protein from the same botanical family. (Sorry, I sounded smart there for a second, wont happen again.) If I eat apples, bananas, cantaloupe, honey, nuts, sunflower seeds or watermelon, my pear-shaped body thinks I stuffed my face with ragweed. Birch pollen confusion? Try; celery, parsley, cherries, peaches, walnuts, fennel, carrots, kiwi, spinach, peanuts, peppers, potatoes, pears, parsnips, honey, apples, almonds, prunes, apricot, hazel nuts, nectarines, coriander, plums and wheat. Fucking WHEAT! There are similar lists for oak, elm, pecan, maple, bermuda and alder pollens. Basically, any of it turns me into a sniffling, snotty mess. But stick with me…I’ve yet to reach the point where this gets hard.

Let’s move on to yeast. The severity necessitates avoidance. Bye-bye beer, and I love me some beer. Call me a former craft brew snob. Thanks to candida there is no more alcohol. Period. You see - our bodies produce yeast (candida) to break down sugar and simple carbs like white potatoes and pasta. Your body turns alcohol into sugar. Bye-bye bread. Bye-bye cookies, crackers and delicious processed snacks. (Man, thanks to yeast we eat a lot of crap.)

Remember Alernaria? It too needs to also be avoided. It’s fungi! AKA Mold! And what’s more fun than that? It’s mushrooms, cheese, vinegar and refined sugars. Just about everything you buy at your local mega-grocery store has refined sugar or vinegar. Think catsup, BBQ sauce, canned/jarred tomato sauce, mustard, mayo and anything you use to lube up that salad, sandwich, burger and french fries. Cross this with casein (dairy protein) and we reached the hardest part. (There, you made it.) No leftovers over 24 hours, no dairy products, say no to sugar, avoid alcohol, keep wheat flower away, yeast will kill me and I absolutely cannot eat fresh fruit. Chicken, beans, nuts, white rice, mushrooms, onions and parsley are strictly forbidden.

Allergies: Part IV – Eating (I hate you)

What’s left? I know this has you down. It’s had me down too. It doesn’t stop being difficult. I enjoy a couple over-easy eggs on toasted spelt bread. Sweet potatoes greased up with smart balance brand spread are damn tasty. Fresh green beans or broccoli make a great side. I can eat all the fresh beef and pork I want - which is pretty bitchin’. (it has to have been organically fed and butchered within a couple days and immediately frozen). Actually, my wicked awesome wife has informed me there is half a cow and half a sow being delivered in a week.

We replaced all the ductwork in the house and purchased bubble boy bedding. The cleaning lady, coming every other Wednesday, has made a big difference. I used to hate being home because I couldn’t breathe. Now I’m sitting in the living room with a pit-bull on my feet (he keeps them toasty) blogging like a cry-baby and it’s great.

I am living and eating mold free, dairy free, yeast free and wheat free (effectively gluten free). I take drops (called SLIT) instead of going to the doctor’s office once a week for a shot. I’ve lost at least 10 pounds and I can finally breathe. I feel great.